As my chest tightens I battle the thoughts trying to invade me. Which is worse? The memories or the fear of the future?
Watching a wedding yesterday torpedos me back to memories on how I ended up marrying him. After years of uncertainty, we seem to blend and melt into a family plot of four children from the other's previous marriages. Symbols of failure which expound so much joy, proving that the cup is really half full.
Feeling failure is probably not unique to the mid life crisis era of those begotten to be forgotten. Yet there are so many others who can expell and expand into the world as one of the greats.
It doesn't seem like any of the greats didn't feel failure. That chest heavy, air sucking the wind out of you until you're almost breathless, while the brain churns. That is probably a really good description of the feeling of failure.
Watching the kids all have a great time, the parents still symbols of a period where manners overruled any display of any true feelings. Where our kids tiniest of hiccup in life seems more traumatic and disruptive.
Drama prince or princesses
Perhaps with that leaning towards drama that our kids had while growing up is a good thing. Whereas their parents were taught that you didn't cry unless you were gonna go on a bender since you're going to get a punishment of new proportions descend upon you.
Maybe there is a sort of complacency that comes over many of us. That the number of knocks does not mean how much it knocked the wind out of your sails. Quantity does not rule in extremities. It's just one little stub of the toe, paper cut to the finger, sort of set back.
Do you sense that you have a lot more to give in this world? Like reading, watching and taking in all that humdeeha and bruhaha. Eventually, it just flickers across our screen either in slow mo or fast early movie clips. Depending upon our mood depended how far the pendulum would swing.
Peace and bliss
I should be feeling settled and content with how the wedding went (fantastic, greatest one ever), yet I'm a little melancholy or reflective on high alert.
The restlessness of my mind has been a real hassle. It is some new version of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) that only floats to overcome me that covers like a light snow dusting or flatter cover sheet. Cozy, safe. I seem to be able to only arrive at that harmonic point after I have written a blog it seems more and more.
Bless or a curse
I'm not sure if it is an addiction or a cure. The means to why I write at all. To exert it out of my system like the first burst of steam from a train's engine.
I thought that it was really only in your teens that you started to question everything. Up until that point, you just trusted adults, your elders, your parents, your peers, your boss and your priest. I wonder if we had a glimpse of our future that is now today, how alarmed would you be and be set to go back, roll up your sleeves and fix some of the wrongs? What wrongs would that be?
A plan of sorts
I think sometimes you just have to try to figure out the end first and then backtrack to make it start out right at least. If it is my first husband, it would have been to have him speak up earlier, much earlier. Share his feelings, thoughts, fears and not just regrets. To keep the path of open and honesty should rule the atmosphere.
Then I think of him and wonder. I was wondering for a while whether I'm contributing anything or if we both quit trying. Just accepting a mundane life in some ways. In other ways, sharing the most cherishable moments with maturity, class and grace.
I hope I figure some of this out. I don't think I should stop questioning anything I think needs questioning. There is usually a good reason for it.
A hasty reminder
Those that are trying to toss negative energy across your path are not your champion. More likely a detractor, toxic influence that tries to distract you off of your course.
The strong ones stay the course and glide through it, while others swirl in the waves and cross-fire created by their own hand. It can be a long winding dark tunnel or a quick dip to the sunshine on the roller coaster of life.
It is more often an uphill battle, but how long that part is relies on your attitude. Do you count your breaths or each heart beat? Or are you consumed with passion on a brilliant to explore?
I'd like to be the latter. Which is much harder in the long run - to stay positive, stay focussed and never lose faith in your quest.